The Capital Enquirer

May 12, 2003

"Who needs peasants? We'll just buy 'dead pheasant' insurance." says Texas house republican.

In response to a recent failure and humiliation over HB 3613, and desperate to figure out a way to channel money into the coffers of some of their private sector supporters, a Texas House republican announced he will be introducing a bill to purchase "dead pheasant" insurance on the state's feathered wildlife.

According to the bill's sponsor, who was speaking on condition of anonymity, HB 9122 will authorize the state to sell bonds to purchase life insurance on all the Texas game birds. The plan states that when hunters kill the birds the state will file life insurance claims on the dead birds and use the proceeds to fund a special retirement program for prominent state politicians.

"This is a program that won't cost the taxpayers one penny…" promises the bill's spokesman, " …it's a sure fire winner for everyone, uh, except the birds of course." He goes on to say, "We don't even have to get [the birds] permission to buy the policies. We just have to say in the bill that the state has an 'insurable interest' in them and that makes it true. There is a huge opportunity here for Texas."

In their usual partisan fashion, House democrats and moderate republicans have derided the proposal calling it a "real turkey" and accusing the sponsors of attempting to "fly this one by" at the end of the legislative session.

Animal rights activist Paula Peta expressed her outrage at the proposal stating, "…this is just another example of how unfeeling republicans want to exploit the defenseless animal citizens of our state. Quite frankly, I liked the 'dead peasant' idea a lot better."

On condition of anonymity, a prominent insurance industry representative said he would like to buy some of the bonds, but his company would probably decline writing "dead pheasant" policies.  "Taxpayers are always a good investment, but life insurance policies rarely are."

May 13, 2003

Sponsor of "Dead Pheasant" Bill Starts Ducking Out.

The sponsor of HB 9122, a bill to purchase "dead pheasant" life insurance on Texas game birds, stated today that if there was any significant resistance to the bill he would drop it. "I was never too keen on the idea in the first place. I only introduced it because a leading party contributor and big shi.., er, I mean shot, Mr. H. John "Bud" Vase, told me I had to." The sponsor continued his request for anonymity stating, "Last time I talked to you guys I got everyone mad at me."

Mr. Vase, Chairman Emeritus of Butterfinger Investments, a Dallas-based executive benefits company, said that he just thought it was a good idea and it would generate some revenue for the state. He indicated that he got the idea from the "Obscure Venture Capital" company of Nashville who was seeking to patent it. "It's a very complicated plan, but once it's implemented it's simple," according to Mr. Vase. He declined to comment further on the plan except to say, he is "…a little leery of discussing it with the press."

A search of the U.S. Patent Office database did not reveal any such application from the "Obscure Venture Capital" company or its owner, Mr. Neverland.  Mr. Neverland could not be located for comment.

Another House republican, also speaking on condition of anonymity, said, "It sounds like a good plan to me. Heck, the birds are gonna die anyway, so why shouldn't we make a little cash off um."

A spokesman for the House democrats today announced that they had pledged to defeat the bill. Specifically he stated, "…this is clearly one of the 'fowl-est' bills of the session."

May 14, 2003

"Dead Pheasant" Insurance Plan Killed by Creator.